Good Riddance 2006

Except for a few high points, 2006 has been a trying year for the most part. I learned not to take anything for granted because anything can change in your life at a moment's notice. Here is how my year went and as Rosanne Rosannadanna would say: "If it's not somethin', it's another. It just goes to show you, it's always somthing"
January: My dog and I got attacked my 3 vicious dogs. I was bitten in the arm and cracked my tooth. My dog was seriously injured but somehow survived.

February: My Uncle had a catastrophic medical emergency and nearly died. He fortunately survived, which we are all very thankful, but he is struggling to regain his skills due to a debilitating stroke along with near death during emergency open heart surgery.

March: Someone in India cleaned out my bank account. I went to court as a witness in the dog case. I took a fun trip to South Beach with my girlfriend.

May: I had a cyst removed but it became infected and I was in agony for a few days.

May: Tommy broke his finger.

June: Tommy broke his arm.

July: One of my best childhood friends dies. This was devastating news. It really hurts. So sad.

July: My dog has 2 seizures necessitating $200 worth of tests.

2006 Highlight: Trip to Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

August: Great trip to Vancouver Canada with my girlfriend where I accidentally (stupidly) ran up $500 of roaming charges on my cell phone.

September: I backed into the garage door, while I was INSIDE the garage. I crashed into the closed door and essentially destroyed it.

October: I completed the 38 mile Athens-to-Atlanta roadskate marathon.

November: A wonderful man, husband and father of 2, whom I had known very well, dies of cancer at age 41. The funeral was one of the saddest things I had ever witnessed in my life.

November: I get a speeding ticket and another violation for a total of $300 worth of fines.

November: Over Thanksgiving my purse, car keys, cash, credit cards and cell phone stolen while shopping

November: I find out my other Uncle has larynx cancer.

December: Things start looking up! Lions win State Football championships. I beat one of my fines in court. I have a wonderful Christmas.

Yeah, it's always something! I try to keep my spirits up and expect shit to happen.

Besides Christmas and the 2 vacations that I took with my girlfriend, it has been a sad year. The dog attack, the worries about my sweet Uncle, and the 2 deaths of friends have been the most difficult things. You just never know how quickly your life can change. I try to be thankful each day for my own good health, that of my children and my parents and my brothers and sisters. If anything were to happen to any of them, I don't know what I would do. So I do appreciate what I have now, which is 3 beautiful sons and a wonderful family. Happy 2007 to all of you! Kiss your kids, tell your parents you love them and call your brother or sister and tell them you are thinking of them.

Christmas 2006

This was the Christmas card I sent. I made it and Kenny printed them for me and created the border. After not sending any photos last year and not sending any cards the year the before, I was happy these came out so well.

It was a wonderful Christmas. Having my parents visit on Christmas proper was a rare treat. My good friend Pat was also spending the holidays with us. This is how I had the den decorated:
Here is my Christmas tree- a 8-9 footer that drank not one drop of water even though the bottom was cut. It is bone dry! It has to go very soon!

This year we had a lot more Christmas Eve presents than usual, with Pat visiting and my parents being here for Christmas.
This is a close up of the gifts under the tree.

Here is the Liguini Frutta di Mare I made on Christmas Eve. It was really delicious, a wonderful meal not soon to be forgotten. Molto bene! Buon Natale e felice capo d'anno a tutti di voi! Shrimp, scallops, clams and mussels in wine sauce over linguini, you really can't go wrong! Below are friends Kenny and Pat on Christmas Eve and my mom in the background and Tommy is "relaxing" on the couch. Santa brought me everything I wanted and more. Guess who got tickets to Cirque du Soleil? I guess I have been a very good girl this year! Honestly it was so much work preparing for these 2 days, but it was all worth it. We had wonderful food and lots of drinking going on. We played Scattergories, Pat's first time. She was okay...well I won except the rum and eggnog must have gone to my head because while everyone was on "W" I was on "C"! However even with allowing me 1/2 a point for my answers on that round, I still kicked everyone's jolly butts!
After our fine meal on Christmas Eve, the kids and my parents opened their gifts. I opened a few of mine but Pat and I saved most of ours for Christmas Day. After opening the gifts we went back into the dining room for Tommy's famous apple pie. I should have gotten a picture of his most perfect lattice crust. He actually made 4 pies this year- we had 2 and he gave the other 2 pies as gifts.

Santa Claus arrived - Greg and Andrew were up at 5:30 AM. I got up and 7 and there they were waiting....I am glad they have not grown out of that. I always got up in the middle of the night as a kid. Their father came over at 8AM to watch the opening of the gifts. Pat rolled her hungover self out of bed much later. We had coffee and muffins and not too long after breakfast, egg nog and rum, followed by rum and coke, then white wine. The others switched to then red wine, then beer, and then Amaretto. I made a fresh ham and all the trimmings on Christmas Day. We watched a movie and then football. My mother cleaned my toaster and inside the microwave. The baseboards also got a good scrubbing. It was all good! I am exhausted but this was honestly one of the best Christmases I have ever had. I cleaned up in the gift department as well, getting tossed way more than the usual trinkets I usually get. Happy 2007 to all!

Municipal Court

I have had the misfortune to go to municipal court 3 times over the past few years. It is mind-boggling how these sessions are run. The idea is to cram as many bad citizens as you can in a little room, give everyone a number and make them wait several hours for their name to be called. Professional court-goers know to show up 90 minutes early. If you show up on time, you are behind 200 other sinners.
The majority of the people at municipal court are minorities and immigrants. When the judge starts calling people forward, everyone can hear the loser getting reamed. This week, where I was at Suwanee Municipal Court, fighting an improperly transferred license plate fine, the judge was a real barrel of laughs. He said to some poor schmuck: "Where were you on December 6th? What do you think court date means? 6 months probation"! One man was wearing a tie, who knows maybe he was on his way to work? Well the judge decided to tell him off for wearing a tie: "I appreciate the tie, but it wasn't necessary, but I do appreciate the gesture. 6 months probation"!
The majority of the people there are trying to fight speeding tickets. Something that is quite impossible to do, due to lasers and radars clocking your speed. You cannot get out of a speeding ticket, contrary to all the popular myths circulating about this issue. What is confusing is that if you pay my mail, and avoid court, you lose the opportunity to plead Nolo, which I believe you can plead once every five years. This is supposed to somehow help with your car insurance company. So the only reason really to appear in municipal court to fight a speeding ticket would be to enter a plea of Nolo. A plea of "nolo contendere" means that the defendant neither admits nor disputes the charge, and is an alternative to pleading guilty or not guilty. This is also called a plea of no contest or, more informally, a "nolo" plea. "Nolo contendere" is Latin and literally means "I do not want to contend it." While not technically a guilty plea, it is made as a part of plea bargains and has the same effect as a guilty plea. For some reason the judge was lowering everyone's speed to 59-in-a-45, but not lowering the fine. This made me kind of mad because I paid my fine in advance, for a 63-in-a-45. Had I wasted the court’s time and mine and sat there for several hours, I could have gotten my speed lowered to 59 too, which may or may not impact my insurance premiums.
When I arrived 20 minutes early, I took my seat. There were already at least 100 dregs of society waiting. I was lucky to be sitting next to a very loudmouthed professional who collects speeding tickets as a hobby. First he says excitedly to all of us: "What are you here for? Speeding? Me too!! Where did they get you? Etc. etc" Then: "I was hoping my cop wouldn't show- then they have to throw it out- but that's my bastard cop over there with the glasses. Which one was your cop?" Myth number 1: The cops ALWAYS show! Suwanee has traffic court one night a week. They only have 3-4 cops, why would they not show up? In bigger jurisdictions, the police give out tickets with court dates based on their job schedule- that is, all of their tickets are scheduled for court at the same day and time.
The Mr. Professional Speeder had more tips for his captive audience: "Tell the judge your cruise control was on, that'll get you out of it". Okay. Then he told us all about a special strip that is illegal that you can buy in Canada that you put in your grill which jams the lasar. Okay, Canada here I come. He explained that although they are illegal, there is no way a cop will ever find it". I was loving this guy! A veritable fountain of wisdom! Then he started bragging about his radar detector. I told him that I read that the radar detectors do not work against laser and that Suwanee uses laser. He gave me this most excellent advice: "As soon as the device flashes "L", slam on your brakes! This worked for me today". I am telling you, we have got some real winners out there on the highways. About 5 of us had a great time discussing the nationally known speed traps in Duluth, as well as all our bad experiences in Duluth Municipal Court. A much bigger zoo than the one in Suwanee I might add. Honestly, I am embarrassed to say that I had a lot to contribute to that discussion!
Some people I have spoken to (mainly those who have managed to avoid municipal court) are not aware of the role of the solicitor. When you arrive and sign in, the clerk asks if you would like to speak with the solicitor. The solicitor is actually the prosecuting attorney and is NOT on your side. The way it works is that you can plead your case to the solicitor privately before seeing the judge. If the solicitor feels that your "story" is any good, he can recommend that the judge lower your fine or he can even throw the case out (rare). Usually, however, they tell you that your excuse sucks and good luck with the judge! In my case, with this not being a speeding ticket, rather a bureaucratic screw-up that resulted in me driving around for a year in an unregistered car, I was able to convince the solicitor of my innocence and he dismissed the case. I did not have to see the judge. He assured me that he NEVER dismisses a case. Actually when I first arrived in his office, he assumed I was there about the speeding ticket. He began lecturing me on what a bad mood the judge was in and that I should just give it up. I cannot imagine all the B.S. excuses these attorneys have to listen to. It must get tiring listening to an endless parade of us lawless lowlifes.

Happy Holidays everyone and watch your speed! Here's to a court-free 2007!

Lions State Co-Champions and it's the liberals fault!

The Lions tied the game with the Roswell Hornets. The rules state that there is no Overtime in a championship game, and that both teams become co-champions. It is really weird- no winner no loser. Actually no loser, just 2 winners. So you would think they would be happy, but everyone was feeling like it was 1/2 a championship, and disappointed to share the championship with another school. Do you always have to pre-fix your championship with the word "co"? Do you always have to qualify it? It certainly dampens the achievement, but it beats losing.

Roswell was winning 14-3 going into the 4th quarter. The Lions tied it up with just over 4 minutes left. When the announcer stated that both teams were to be co-champs, the crowd, unaware of the rule, went ballistic. The boys, instead of jumping up and down and celebrating (or crying) were walking around in a daze. It was pretty odd. I was afraid they were going to lose, just like the 1991 Braves did, so when I saw the 14-3 score, I figured it was over. I came back to look at the TV with one minute left and saw the score at 14-14! I was shocked! I assumed there would be sudden death, which always gives me agita. Then nothing happened and the announcer said both teams had won!


From the Gwinnett Daily Post, by Will Hammock
Sports Editor:

State policy kept them from fighting for an outright championship in overtime, but Armstrong (Lions Coach) said his team deserves the accolades of one that wins the title without sharing. After all, it was a GHSA policy that forced the deadlock. The players were just competing under those guidelines.

“They’re all happy,” Armstrong said of his players. “They realize they came charging back and they finished the game. They didn’t lose the game. We had the momentum going and if there was an overtime system, we felt like we had the momentum and could have won the game.”

Instead it was an unusual tie.

It was one of two in state title games on Saturday (the AA game also was a tie) that ended deadlocked, and it also left plenty of people at McEachern confused. The Roswell crowd immediately chanted for overtime, and were matched by the Lions’ faithful.

“I think a lack of information is what hurt the most,” Armstrong said. “If the announcer had made an announcement with a few minutes left about what happens if it’s tied, it would have helped inform people. I told our kids about it in practice, but I’m not sure a lot of them remembered.

“I don’t think any of the fans knew unless their kids told them. The biggest disappointment is there was no celebration. Our kids were a little better after we talked to them.”

Despite the outcome, Armstrong said he understands the GHSA’s policy on overtime.
“In basketball they play another period of time for overtime,” the coach said. “You don’t line up and shoot free throws. Basketball coaches don’t want to see that any more than I’d like to line it up on the 15 and see who can score. That’s not a true measure of how the game’s played. If you’re going to have a tiebreaker, it should be something like two, six-minute halves where each team has an opportunity to get the ball.”

As I said I do not know much about football, but I guess the feeling is that sudden death is not a true test of who is the better team. However, it is used all season long to decide tie games, so why not in the final game? A lot of people feel that this rule, which has been around since 1948, needs to be changed. I think the Georgia High School Football Association will be looking at it.

The stupidest thing I read in regard to this was on an AJC sports blog. A lot of comments blamed the tie and the no-overtime rule on "today's liberal feel-good parenting philosophy".

Actual Blog Comments:

"How come the state has overtime in the regular season but not the playoffs? Talk about backward but I guess that is Georgia for you. I know, it must be left wing liberals making the rules so everyone gets a trophy. That way nobody gets their feelings hurt if they lose"

" I know how i feel as a fan…disgusted, shocked, and absolutelu flabegasted that the “authorities’ could endorse such an idiotic rule. this is the same lame, liberal bozos that give us “social promotions” in academics…nobody is a failure…therefore nobody is a winner either…dumba**es!!!"

"Wow! What a debate. The fact is, that this rule is a terrible LIBERAL rule."

However in 1948, when this Georgia High School football rule was put into place, this parenting philosophy was absolutely unheard of. In fact the backlash against the "self-esteem" movement by many conservatives is really idiotic. Consider the reason for the self-esteem movement: In the 1940's, 1950's, 1960's, 1970's, it was considered okay to tell your kid he was a jerk, stupid, lazy, ugly and fat. Parents would tell us, and all children that they were worthless, stupid and would never amount to anything. They didn't do it out of maliciousness, they just didn't know any better. As a result a generation of drug addicted, alcoholic, overweight prozac popping adults emerged. It became eventually clear to some psychology experts that maybe it wasn't such a good idea to tell your kid he was an idiot to his face, that maybe you should build up your child's self esteem so that he would not grow up feeling worthless. This spawned the "self-esteem" movement that right wing talk show hosts despise. They seem to not know from whence it came. So many generations messed up their kids by calling them names creating complete basket case adults. Perhaps some programs do take it too far. But I remember when I first had a child reading a parenting book that said that if my child brings me a picture he made, instead of saying, "geez, what a piece of crap, the lines are all crooked, your art sucks" thereby crushing his spirit, I should say "wow that's great, I like they way you used those colors"! To find something positive in whatever they were working on. As one who continually had my spirit crushed, and who has major head problems due to it, I like the self-esteem movement. But let me say this 1948 rule in football is NOT related because in 1948 there was no such thing as "cooperative games" and "self-esteem"! It was just not considered fair to base the State Championship on kicking field goals.

Worst to First: oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh....

No, a cow isn't dying. I am reminiscing about the wonderful 1991 Atlanta Braves season and how it reminds me of our high school football team's current run for the State Championship. The football team, the Peachtree Ridge Lions of Suwanee, the High School that 2 of my boys attend, are heading to the State Championship in Class AAAAA tonight. This was totally unexpected and I am all hyped up over it. I have not been this excited over a sports team since the Braves awesome season in 1991. I realize that the majority of my readers were not yet born in 1991, but insanity was the rule all over metro Atlanta.

It was the Braves worst to first and the city was in a frenzy. There were tomahawks hanging everywhere you went. Everyone was talking about the Braves, even non-baseball fans. I did all sorts of crazy things like buy an overpriced National Pennant winner tee shirt and stay up half the night watching the games. But the stupidest thing I did was head downtown to the Braves Ticker Tape parade.

As is tradition, a team winning the World Series is usually thrown a parade by its city. The Braves lost to the Twins in the World Series, but there was so much pride- the community was really so proud of this team - that it was decided to throw a parade anyway. The sentiment was to let them know that we didn't care that they lost the series! We loved them for all they accomplished.

I decided to show my support so I headed downtown with my then 3-year-old child who really wasn't walking yet and was kind of heavy. I got on Marta and it was packed. It was full of children ditching school. I nearly got trampled when I arrived downtown. I could not move, I could not walk in any direction. I have never been in such a huge crowd in my life- it was scary. Everyone in the entire city turned out. The estimates are that between 500,000-750,000 were at the parade. To this day, MARTA counts the Braves 1991 parade as its heaviest day of ridership. Due to this massive crowd, not many were able to see anything. There was mayhem and mobbing. I had envisioned that I would cheer as the players passed. Ha, well that never happened- all I saw was a urine-stained corner where my face was trapped in the Five Points Station. I was holding onto the the baby, my arms about to break, freaking out. The next day's headline read: "Bedlam reigns on Peachtree as half-million roar for Braves. Parade crowds, 15 deep, surge into street to touch heroes" It was bedlam all right! But we loved them and it was exciting!

I feel the same way I did about the 1991 Braves as I do now about the football team at Peachtree Ridge. I am NOT a big football fan. I don't really understand the game and find myself drifting off whenever I have tried to watch. Last season my sons wanted to go to the games, so I started taking them on Friday nights. I enjoyed the whole pomp and festivities of the game.

You don't want to mess with this guy, Number 76, Cameron Heyward:

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Note how much bigger he is than every one else on the field:


This year I started reading the High Schools sports pages. That whole 4 downs thing I thought I always knew, but NO ONE ever explained about the 10 yards! Duh, now I get it! I thought you had 4 downs and then if you didn't get a touchdown you lost the ball. If I can only figure out the punting thing...My sons are complete statistics nuts and know all the teams in the county and pretty much in the whole State of Georgia (and the colleges and the NFL). We attended almost all the games this season, because I enjoy those crappy nachos. Eventually our team lost 3 games to the 3 stronger teams in the 7-AAAAA division: Collins Hill, North Gwinnett and Norcross. We were actually excited and pulling for North Gwinnett, our old High School, also in Suwanee, which was having a record 10-0 season and at one point was ranked number one in the State.

The Lions came in 4th out of 8 teams in 7-AAAAA. They were never even close to being ranked in the top 10. The top 4 teams make the playoffs. The 4th seed always has to play a 1st place team, and they have to play as visitors. This is to bump them off easily and give the rightful top finishers a chance to move up. But predicted by sportswriters and everyone else to lose, they have won 4 straight play-off games.

Tonight they play Roswell High School for the State Championship. This is an amazing accomplishment for a school only 4 years old. I have lived in the same house for the past 13 years. My children have been re-districted to 3 different elementary schools, 2 middle schools and 2 high Schools. It is hard to get attached to any one school when you are never in one long enough. When they rezoned us to Peachtree Ridge, only very few families were switched there from our old school at North Gwinnett, perhaps only 5%-10% of the school. Going to the first PTA meeting was odd, because I didn’t see ONE familiar face, even thought I have lived in the same area for 13 years! I felt like I had been dropped in Kansas. Most of our friends were made through baseball and Cub Scouts while at North Gwinnett. We felt like outsiders. I think one good thing about the Lions run for the championship is it is going to bring a sense of belonging and cohesiveness to this school. The school has gotten tons of publicity this past week, including an article in the Metro section of the AJC about the school.

http://www.ajc.com/search/content/metro/gwinnett/stories/2006/12/15/gwxridge1215.html


There have been at least 20 articles this past 2 weeks about the football team, particularly in the Gwinnett Section, since they are the only school left standing:

http://www.ajc.com/search/content/metro/gwinnett/stories/2006/12/11/gwxlions1211.html

On Friday, my boys told me the football team paraded through the halls as the school went nuts. You can watch tonight's game at 7:30 on Georgia Public Broadcasting (GPB). I'll let you know who wins. My son's are going with their dad. I will watch on TV. After attending last's weeks semi-final in the Georgia Dome, I need to avoid crowds for awhile, but that is a whole other blog entry entitled "Ethel and her neuroses"

It's beginning to sound a lot like whining....

Why is everyone acting so stressed? There are 19 days until Christmas Eve. There are only 10 days of work remaining: 3 days gift shopping, 1 day putting up the tree, 1.5 days writing cards, 2 days wrapping, 1.5 days cleaning, 1 day cooking = 10 days. You have 19 days to get 10 days worth of chores finished! You can drag your ass and still finish with time to spare! So enough of the bitching and complaining!

The boys did a wonderful "Christmas Vacation" job on the outside lights. That is the first time I gave up control, handed them the lights and left. It was liberating to have one of my traditional holiday chores be done by someone else and be finished 3 weeks early.

Here is the breakdown so far: 1 day planning my budget and gift list (to which I ignore), 1 long day in the mall, 1 day online shopping (1 Overstock order, 1 Amazon order, a couple of ebay orders) and 1 day pre-cleaning (when the parents are coming you have to pre-clean so that you can be prepared to actually clean closer to their arrival- you simply remove the top 3 layers of dust,but be sure to leave the final layer for Cleaning Day). Thus, I have put 4 days in so far.

The whole Christmas thing can be accomplished in 14 days. That is for someone like me to whom the entire burden of providing a beautiful Christmas for 6 people lies. I shop for 7 nieces and nephews, my sister, my parents, and my friends. I also shop for my 3 sons, so they wake up on Christmas morning to everything they wanted and more. I go out and buy a tree, drag it off of my car and set it into the stand. I try to bribe someone to help me get it into the stand. The worst part of the whole season is getting the damn tree into the freaking stand straight- relationships have crumbled over this issue alone. Then I drag the boxes up from the basement, put the lights on the tree, decorate the house including creating my famous pine bough centerpiece, plan and cook 2 elaborate meals, buy antipasto and chocolate and wine and fine liquers for the guests, write the Christmas cards, wrap over 120 presents, ship boxes all over the country, and scrub the toilets and de-mildew the shower. I draw the line at baking- sorry although I seem to be her, I am NOT Suzy Homemaker and there is not such thing as an EZ Bake Oven.

I do all of this with no help. And what do I get for my efforts? NOTHING!! Not one damn thing! Well not really true, they do toss me a few trinkets. Bitter? No! Bitching and complaining? NO! Why, you ask? Because there are 19 days left and only 10 days of work to do!

My purse was stolen

My purse was stolen yesterday. I hate this post so I am deleting it. The whole thing sucked. On to bigger and better things!

Fun on Wheels

Taking a nap on Silver Hill Rd.

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EDDY-IN-THE BOX: 25th Anniversary Athens-to-Atlanta StartLine Costume
Left: Eddy Matzger takes a pre-race stretch.

I decided to take my decrepit overweight out-of-shape body and attempt the 38 mile event. I came to this conclusion on June 1, leaving me 4 months to train. And all I got for my efforts was "What you're only skating 38 miles?" All the diehard pain warriors do not understand how I, Bong the Bomber, went from Fast to Flab in such a short time. It's called middle age, you Maschochistic Five-wheeled spandex-clad Freaks! I am still ranked in the top 10 for skate babes on the Duraskater Rankings, (http://www.a2a.net/results-durask.htm) -- so when I say I can't, I know what I'm talking about. Been there, done that. Broke that finger, left my skin on the pavement and suffered my share of severe bonkatude. And 38 miles is no picnic either-- but everytime an idiot drops out of the poker game, there's one less joker in the bunch.

What better way to celebrate the Athens-to-Atlanta 25th Anniversary Road Skate Marathon that in 7 year old ripped up speed skates? The frame busted loose the day before with no repair in sight. I decided it was a "mental" thing. But then Skateboi (due to years of overdoing it with Thai Chi) declared it was not mental, rather a real physical problem. I then became concerned, because of all people, he would know what's mental and what's not mental. Was that a cracking creaky sound I was hearing real or was it my imagination?

I went to the Expo and interviewed at least 8 different skating experts who were working the booths. These macho gadget wielding toolsters, Rollerblade engineers and handy-with-a-hex wrench sk8men suggested a variety of opposing solutions. All felt the need to try to dislodge the frame from the boot to check and see if there was indeed a problem, only adding to the problem. Mom and Dad, all the money you spent on my tuition to MIT was for nothing: a trip to Manny Moe's and Jack provided a perfect solution: A tube of flowy Crazy Glue. This filled in the cracks and not a creak to be heard from Athens to Dacula. Where I am proud to say I got 2nd place in my age (Old Bags), then nearly collapsed on the sidewalk.

To all you rednecks in the country side between Athens and Dacula: I am sorry we ruined your day and made you late for Church. Since god didn't strike us down dead, you felt the need to carry out His Work.

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The MSN Skating Butterflys Introduce Windows XP! That's me, 3rd purple velvet body stocking clad butterfly from the right. This was the happiest day of my life. Microsoft actually paid us each $300 for this gig. This was the best gig I ever had (actually it was the only gig I have ever had.) There is certainly something to be said for paid gigs.

I would post more fun skating pics, but The Great Blogger Spirit is not letting me post any more tonight. I need to pray that the GBS will hear my prayers and allow my pics to post with ease on the first try.

The Calpurnia Chronicles

This esteemed journal finally has a topic which will appeal to a wide audience: Both the third AND the fourth floors of the State Mental Institution should enjoy this. Actually, my niece asked to be featured in this blog, which is a highly unusual request. Now I’m am not going to say she's a nutcase, but I would like to point out that no one reads this blog and even if they did, it is not a place where one would want to be the topic of an entry, so obviously she can’t be right in the head.

Blog schmog I always say, and so now I’ll happily blog away the hours telling you all about my niece and goddaughter, Calpurnia. Her real name is not Calpurnia, but this being the Internet I cannot reveal her true name. I picked Calpurnia because her real name does start with “Ca” and end in “A” and also because the name Calpurnia has a colorful history in our family. My grandfather called my grandmother Calpurnia. It is the name of Julius Caesar’s third (and thankfully last) wife. My grandfather would call out “Calpurnia, Calpurnia” and my grandmother would quickly appear with a scambilino or a plate of chicken cutlets.

Six months or so after the birth of my 3rd little boy, my sister had a baby girl. After 3 boys of my own, I was so happy to have a girl. When I was asked to be her Godmother, I was thrilled! Finally I had the little girl I always wanted!

Calpurnia is a really wonderful girl. Her little brother, Dante, follows her everywhere and who could blame him? If I lived closer, I would follow her everywhere too. But it does annoy her to no end, and let me tell you I can relate. Her mother, (my sister, Ginandtonica), also used to follow me around when we were kids. She was such a complete pest, I could do nothing to lose her, and believe me I tried. But I guess the lesson to be learned here is that what goes around comes around, it’s the Circle of Life.

Calpurnia, let me offer you some advice, cause honey, I’ve been there. Whenever the brother starts to annoy you, close your eyes and think back to when you were 4 and were jumping up and down on the bed with your cousin Achilles, and sing this softly to yourself: Hakuna Matata, it’s a philosophy, now I’m problem free! If that doesn’t work, put a “kick me” sign on his back.

Calpurnia has made me very proud. Let it be known, to all my faithful readers, that Calpurnia once won a Checkers Tournament! That was a major accomplishment in her young life as it took place at Lake George, NY, a magnet for checker enthusiasts as well as hotbed of International World Class checker activity.

She has also has placed several times in the Science Fair at her school. That’s right, she actually grew plants in her basement IN THE DARK!! She has a lot of talent- she takes after me in so many ways, it's scary. In fact, she has a 97 average at the moment.

She is very artistic and won a competition for her artwork making a Fair Housing poster. Obviously she is very familiar with the topic of Fair Housing because she has to sleep in the top bunk in the same room as her little sister, Aphrodite, very unfair housing if you ask me. "Mini Me" was also awarded the Presidential Award for Academic Excellence upon graduating 5th grade. They tossed out only a handful of these, so of course, Calpurnia will now go on and follow in my footsteps by becoming a sought-after highly acclaimed world scholar.

She is also a former Head of the Clinic of the Clinic of the Clinic, a clandestine cheap child slave trade operation. She was known to rule the clinic with an iron fist, although in her later years, she softened up and allowed her brother human status by promoting him from the lower classes. She was a humane ruler and established a unique heirarchy which was hammered out at an exclusive Code Yellow meeting. Athough the members of the lower classes had less power than all groups, they still had the right to speak their minds- revolutionary indeed!

Although I could write an entire book about this lovely child, I need to pick my toenails, so I will leave the blog open for comments. Don’t fear signing up and getting your own blogspot, which is required for comment-leaving privileges. That is how I got involved in this useless pastime myself. Thank you for reading and Hakuna Matata!
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Bang Bang BANG wooooo!

The Suwanee Creek Greenway, is a beautiful, peaceful multi-use paved trail where exercise enthusiasts and nature lovers can walk, skate, bike and jog. It covers 4 miles of woods, wetlands and wildlife habitat. I like it because even though it is not very long, the scenery is constantly changing. There are sections of very tall hardwoods, winding creeks, along with views of weedy marshes. One night I spotted a beaver swimming in the marsh. I have seen rabbits, deer, woodpeckers, tadpoles and many other creatures while on that trail.

The City of Suwanee, Georgia, has recieved numerous accolades and awards for their Green Space Initiative, including the 2004 and 2005 CREATE Community Award from the Atlanta Regional Commission in the Community Building category for building parks. The city has purchased over 200 acres of greenspace over the past few years. Besides the Greenway, there are 3 new parks, including the Town Center Park with interactive fountain and ampitheatre, and a state-of-the-art playground. The city government has good relationships with its State Senators and Congressman who work to tirelessly to hand grants their way. This is all no doubt due to the charm and persuasive powers of the Mayor of Suwanee, Nick Masino. Everyone loves Mayor Nick Masino! He has got one of these personalities that makes everyone feel relaxed and want to be his friend, and give his city tons of money.

Mayor Nick Masino

The Suwanee Creek Greenway is such a peaceful, lovely, quiet place it is hard to believe that you are in the middle of suburban sprawl. Since it is only 2 miles from my home, I go there a lot to escape the monotony of working all day in front of a PC.

Last night, while riding my bike when I come upon a man who was sitting on a bench next to the trail lighting some type of firework. He would light it, it would send up smoke from his hand and then he would throw it up over his head into the air, while still sitting down. It made a whistly whir, like a wheeeeeeeeeeew, and then bang. Gee, looked like hordes of fun and excitement. As I passed him on my bike, I shot him a dirty look, because I thought he was an idiot. I was worried at first it might blow up on my head. As I made my way down this mellow and formerly peaceful stretch of trail, I breathed in the smoke from the firework. They kept shooting off, annoying my only chance all day for peace and quiet. Every 2 minutes or so for the next hour, he shot one off. Along with the noise pollution, I noticed all the wrappers and trash just thrown on the ground. I didn't have to the nerve to say anything to him, but I kept thinking "what a loser".

I started worrying about the bunnies. I am sure they heard that sound and got frightened. I worried about all the tadpoles and little insects who he killed. We taught in Boy Scouts to practice Leave No Trace principles when enjoying the great outdoors, which means being careful to have minimal impact on the enviroment, in order not to disturb the natural interaction between plants and animals, no matter how miniscule. Later after I did another loop and the man had finished having so much fun (it sure looked like a blast!), I got off my bike and picked up all the trash he left there. Tonight while walking with the kids over the same spot, I sadly noticed even more firecracker litter.

I do not understand firecrackers. The joy they bring in blowing them off is way over my head. I understand going to see a professional fireworks display. But I don't get why people enjoy blowing off firecrackers. Bang. Woo. Is that exciting? Is it fun? I think it's assinine and dangerous. Let me state for the record that anyone who goes into an of natural beauty to shoot off firecrackers is a moron.

First do no harm... then bill me.

Note: cast matches basketball shorts.

Biting my tongue in order not to make obvious underwear joke.


Trips to Doctor in the past 30 days

1.Pediatrician for TH to see about a swollen finger injured while playing football
2. Children’s Health Clinic to X-ray finger.
3. Pediatric Orthopedist to advise and treat broken index finger.
4. Dentist with all 3 kids for semi-annual cleaning and exam.
5. Orthodontist for A-Hod’s monthly visit.
6. Pediatrician for annual physical for 2 sons (2 visits combined into one).
7. Radiology Department to have TH’s elbow X-rayed.
8. Emergency Room to have TH’s elbow splinted.
9. General Practitioner by me to have a cyst removed from my leg.
10. Back to same doctor 2 days later because cyst became infected.
11. Pediatric Orthopedist to re-check finger. While there he also checks elbow and determines that it too is broken and puts it in a cast.
12. Pediatric Orthopedist with Greg to check on the progress of his leg after operation last summer. X-ray of leg followed by X-ray of spine.
13. General practice doctor to get stitches out of my leg.

That’s 13 doctor visits in a 30 day period and since 2 were doubled up, it was actually 18 appointments. Fortunately I have medical and dental insurance but still that was $350 co-pays plus an installment payment of $191 a month for the braces. 30 days, 6 sets of X-rays, 4 prescriptions filled, 3 broken brackets, 2 broken bones, 2 lectures on proper dental hygiene, one god-awful infection = one stressed out mom . While at a wonderful gathering the other night, one of the guests (who doesn’t have kids) gave me a lecture on neglecting my own annual gynecological visits. Yes, I haven’t been in like 7 years. Shall I call today and schedule an appointment? I also blew off my last teeth cleaning.

One of the things she said was “well if you don’t take care of yourself then who the hell would take care of the kids when you’re gone?” That was certainly a wise thing to say. Don’t get me wrong, she was completely right, but I don’t think she has a clue to how sick and tired I am of going to the doctor almost every single day about something.

Mama's Rule

The idea for this entry came to me last night, thanks to 8 glasses of Sangria. I actually recorded it on an audio blog while driving home. The results of my genius can be heard on the Catfish blog: http://cliqueofone.blogspot.com/

I also ramble on in one of the audio blog entries about the people from Jersey going to the Oyster Bar, which was for the benefit of my son Greg, who thinks pronoucing Jersey "Joisey" is hilarious. Of course everytime I meet someone from Jersey I go into the old "Are you from Joisey, I'm from Joisey" routine which sends him over the edge.

There is a new rule around my house "Waist of Pants above the A-hole". It makes me nostaligic for all the rules around my house growing up "Don't hold the refrigerator door open" "Don't talk with food in your mouth" "Be quiet in Church" and my personal favorite, "Drink your milk". Yeah, right. Like I was going to drink that vile sour liquid. I would wait until no one was looking and dump it down the sink.

Fast forward to the year 2006, my house, 3 teen boys, one who thinks he is Jay-Z and you gotta be wit it and wear da pants, yo . I am getting a little tired of getting a eyeball full of his ENTIRE ASS! Really do not go up he stairs behind this guy. Now I don't mind kids trying to look cool, I understand the whole thing about teens needed to follow the trends. Hell I wore some ridiculous fashions myself- the bandana around the head with the flowing indian skirt was all the rage for us hippies. But I am just tired of all this ass, so I had to impose a household rule. If you want to wear your pants low, that's fine with me. But Mama has a rule "Waist of pants above the A-hole" if you know what's good for ya! Word.

Any thought that pops into my brain..

...no matter how stupid is, I'm putting down in my blog. Stay tuned.

Uncle Sam Wants Him?

I just got through registering Greg up at the Selective Service.

Draft registration in the USA was reinstated under President Carter in 1980, supposedly as part of the preparations for intervention by the USA in Afghanistan on the side of the Islamic fundamentalist warlords and mujahideen who were then fighting against the Soviet Union. I remember my friends freaking out. I was in 20 years old in college in 1980. The law was you have to register if you were born after January 1, 1960 and I was born in 1960. I had one hippie friend go completely crazy and decide not to sign up. I don't know what became of that. I remember being worried.

Apparently no one has been prosecuted for non-registration since 1986. 20 people have been prosecuted, most sent to work camps for 6 months.

It is also interesting that women have not had to sign up. Rostker v. Goldberg, 453 U.S. 57 (1981) upholds the Constitutionality of requiring men but not women to register for the draft. The "Universal National Service Act of 2003" failed to pass. (H.R. HR 4752 IH)

H. R. 163"To provide for the common defense by requiring that all young persons in the United States, including women, perform a period of military service or a period of civilian service in furtherance of the national defense and homeland security, and for other purposes."

http://www.govtrack.us/congress/billtext.xpd?bill=h109-4752

Related Bill:
http://www.congress.gov/cgi-bin/query/z?c108:S.89:

http://www.hslda.org/Legislation/National/2003/S89/default.asp


Greg is just what Today's Army needs. And as long as they have Cartoon Network and Boomerang in his foxhole he'll be fine.

Happy Birthday!

Today is my oldest son's 18th birthday. Now this is certainly a difficult concept for me to wrap my brain around, that I have been a mother for 18 years. I cannot believe that I have an adult child now. June 22, 1988, I guess it was a long time ago, but I do remember the course of events very clearly. I worked until the day before my due date, which was June 11. After sitting around at home for 4 days, I was all done with the cleaning and chores, and ready to have the baby. However, he was 11 days late. Those 11 days were excruciatingly long and boring - I had no baby, no kids, no job and a clean house. I was not in any condition to go out and party or play a game of squash or inline skate. So I sat home and waited and answered the phone which every time it rang the question was "So did you have it yet? Is anything happening?" No! Waiting for your first baby is long enough, adding an extra 11 days was a torture I would not wish on any other expectant moms. But he was worth the wait.

The labor was a success in that my driving dedication to the concept of childbirth without drugs paid off in that I had the natural childbirth I had obsessively planned and worked toward. I actually had a cheat sheet of all the reason why I did not want to take drugs, to read to myself when the pain got really bad. And really bad it did get, but I had a determination to stick it out. I also had a wonderful nurse who was able to help me through the worst of it. It was surreal as I was in the final stages of labor, and I could look out the window at the rest of the world going about their day, going off to work. It was like I was in a completely different reality than they were. Along with preparing for the pain, I also prepared not to be in love with the baby right away. I had read that babies tend to pop out ugly, and red and to be prepared for that. Well my son came out looking honestly like a cherub. He had dark curly hair, big blue eyes, angel red lips and ivory skin. The shock was that something so beautiful came out of me!

Bill Bryson: Funniest Travel Writer Ever!

I am reading another Bill Bryson book, In a Sunburned Country,, which is his book about Australia. Over the years I have read 3 of his books: Lost Continent, Neither Here Nor There: Travels in Europe, and A Walk in the Woods. I can honestly say he is one of my favorite authors.

This guy makes me LLOL, Literally Laugh Out Loud, while reading. I swear his descriptions are hilarious. For example when in Canberra, he is explaining how unbearably boring and desolate it is:

In 1996 the prime Minister, John Howard, caused a stir after his election by declining to live in Canberra. He would, he announced, continue to reside in Sydney and commute to Canberra as duties required. As you can imagine, this caused an uproar among Canberra's citizens, presumably because they hadn't thought of that themselves."

ROFLMAO!

I try to pay attention while I am reading because he has such a great writing style: hilarious, descriptive, yet natural at the same time. I wish I could copy his admiral use of adjectives and adverbs, but alas it is a lot harder than it looks. This man can tell a story. He also makes fun of himself in a way that just cracks the reader up. He goes off on these trips, alone, and I guess he goes out to pubs and hopes to meet people and sits there and drinks beer and takes notes. Sometimes he drinks too much and can't understand his notes, such as one time his notes said:

Victoria Bitter--why called??? Not bitter at all. But quite nice!!!"

Anyway, if you have not checked out Bill Bryson's books, I recommend them highly. Lost Continent describes his journey following the same route his father used to take them around America when he was a kid, crammed into the back of the family station wagon. His descriptions of the American landscape are hysterical. He is especially disgusted with the endless strips of big box stores, fast food places, and unending parkling lot ugliness we have erected all over our country. One of the funniest parts is his visit to the Great Smoky Mtns and that tacky monstruosity called Gatlinburg. He loved it in a bad means good way.

The book about Europe is a must-read if you have ever done the Eurail Pass thing through Europe, like I did. A Walk in the Woods is his attempt to hike the Appalachian trail. It is tremendously informative about the history of this revered trail and what it requires to successfully hike it. Bryson and his very overweight couch-potato friend, Katz, the same guy he went to Europe with, try to avoid being attacked by bears as they trek uphill with 60 pounds of stuff on their backs. It has a bit of a sad ending, which I won't spoil here. I highly recommend it to anyone who enjoys knowing more about our land and a fast comical read. Although it is jampacked with information on the US Forest Service and its history, you can't put it down.

Now along with being funny, these books are also very informative. I am learning so much about Australia. I cannot believe how incredibly ignorant I have been about this continent. For example I had no clue that 80% of the population lives on 5% of the land. I was not aware of how many dangerous creatures that inhabit this land. Also I learned there is still a ton of gold out there. But how to get to it? You would burn up, and there are no gas stations or food. And you would never find your way back. And you would get killed by one of the many lethal creatures inhabiting the Land Down Under. But still I bet little boys growing up there dream about figuring out a way to overcome these deadly obstacles and get some gold and get rich.

Dental Worries

I took all 3 kids to the dentist this week. Once again I was scolded by the dentist for the state of Greg's mouth. He has some discolorations from when he was baby and his nutrition was compromised and when I asked about fixing that I was told not until his "home care" improves.

Talk about guilt. I let him brush his own teeth, but I need to supervise it more. The dentist told me I must get him to floss. Well he can't do it himself. He doesn't get it. So I tried to do it and I can't! He won't open his mouth. Now I am really worried about the future: gum disease, gum surgery, dentures. All of those wonderfully expensive and painful opportunities await out future if I don't get this under control NOW.

Last night I was able to put the floss through a few of his teeth, however I didn't want to go too hard and upset him, so I feel like my efforts were worthless. He won't use the SonicCare, he is afraid of it. Right now he has a battery powered Spiderman brush, which I guess is better than a plain toothbrush.

I have to force myself to deal with this now because the future is only going to be worse. On top of that he is starting to get to the point where he needs shaving and is petrified of the razor. I showed him an electric triple rotary razor- that won't hurt. He still says NO! He wants to keep his mustache, which I guess will be easier than shaving. But the sideburns look a little silly.

Just PASS ME already!

I've been riding my bike quite a bit and I go on the least trafficked roads I possibly can. My pet peeve is when a car comes up behind me and won't pass me. Rather they slow down and inch along so that they remain about a foot behind me. They match my speed, which at this point is excruciatingly slow.

When a car is coming up behind me, I get over to the right as far as possible, and slow down to a crawl, and look at the driver so they know I see them. I basically stop on my bike, praying not to fall over at a speed of Zero mph. They won't pass as if they are waiting for me to do something. So I keep waiting there at a standstill and inch over even more up into the grass or curb...still they hover there. COME ON ALREADY JUST GO so I can get back to my ride. This happened 3 times today. After several minutes of them not going, finally I have to wave them by me. It's usually a real pissy wave......like WTF are you doing buddy? Go already!?

Alpharetta, Georgia: How Do I Hate Thee?

....Let me count the ways.

Another hour in the car going nowhere fast. I live in a Northern suburb of Atlanta, close to Alpharetta called Suwanee. Although to most in-town dwellers, both places might seem the same, I can assure you they are not. Although there is traffic in Suwanee, it is typical for the area; the traffic in Alpharetta is always bad, the worst I have ever experienced. I don’t understand how anyone can stand living there.

Last week, I had to take my son to batting practice at 7PM. It was on Jones Bridge Rd. in Alpharetta. Even though I have been there 20 times, I mistakenly thought it was on Medlock Bridge Road. Could it be that even though I learned my “bridges” years ago, there is just so many bridge-named streets a brain can handle in a lifetime? I was on Abbotts Bridge when I turned left onto Medlock Bridge and sat in gridlock for about 30 minutes until I came up to State Bridge. That’s when it dawned on me that I must have passed the batting cages. With much difficulty and trying not to yell the “F” word too many times in front of the kids, I made a U-turn at one of Georgia’s most heinous intersections, the corner of State Bridge & Medlock Bridge. Finally I turned and head back to Abbotts Bridge, where I sat another 25 minutes crawling north until I reached Jones Bridge. It is almost as far as Kimball Bridge but not quite. If you followed that I don't know if I should be impressed or pity you. It took me 70 minutes to go 9.76 miles. According to Mapquest, this trip should take 14 minutes.


















State Bridge and Abbotts Bridge are one-lane roads between Medlock Bridge and Jones Bridge. There are thousands of homes and hundreds subdivisions all along these 4 streets, plus a few schools and businesses. This section is also called “Ocee Community”. There is no easy way in or out of that area, yet people keep flocking to live there and real estate prices keep rising. Not only are all of these roads one lane, this area is completely boxed in, with no fast access to any major highways. Since you are very far from I-85, I-75 and I-285, the only way out is Georgia 400, but you have to crawl over another bridge, either the one-lane disaster known as Haynes Bridge or its ass-deadening twin, Kimball Bridge.

This morning, my son had a dental appointment in that same area: I would never have chosen a business in that section, but it is the location of the only orthodontist on my dental insurance plan. I left my house at 7:15AM for an 8AM appointment, 9 miles away. I got there at 8:20AM- 65 minutes! Since my son had the CRCT (a State required standardized test) at 9:30, he could not afford to be late. By arriving so late, we didn’t leave the orthodontist enough time to do the work, so I had to re-schedule. Yeah, we drove all that way for nothing. What a wasted morning, what a waste of time, what a waste of gas! In hindsight I should have left before 7AM. The kid didn’t tell me about the CRCT until late last night, and if I had known sooner I would have cancelled in order not to be so frazzled about getting out of the appointment quickly.




I have no patience at all. I like to be on time. I am one of those people who would rather be early than late. For this reason I like to estimate how long it is going to take for me to get somewhere, and usually I hit the nail on the head. This morning I was way off – I tripled the time to get there when I needed to quadruple it plus add another 10 minutes! Now I have to go through the whole thing again next week, when we have rescheduled the appointment! I guess I’ll be leaving at 6AM for this 9:20 appointment!

I'm an Idiot: Cell Phone Trauma

Here I thought I had free nights and weekends on my T-Mobile cell plan. While down at my parents I handed the teenaged demon my phone at promptly 9PM every night. Last months cell bill is over $100. I just looked at my minutes and I am already over and I shouldn't be anywhere near over.

So I called them- turns out I DON'T HAVE FREE NIGHTS!! Okay the nice folks at T-mobile are going to retroactively change my plan to one with free nights and have it go back 2 months so this stupidity will only cost me an extra $10 per month. Oy.
I am seriously thinking about giving him his own cell phone for his birthday. I am comparing the family plans on all major carriers. T-mobile is by far the cheapest. Having been a customer since 2002, I have not ever had trouble with dropped calls or no signal, so I'll stick with them.

I am going to get him a phone that includes an MP3 player, which will be free with the plan. I am going to get a free camera phone when I change the plan for me. I wish this kid was old enough to get a job. I read this article recently about teens and mobile phones:

A November, 2000 report claims that cigarettes are slowly being replaced by an equally addictive obsession - the mobile phone.

Among some of the reports findings:
• A rise in mobile phone use during the late 1990s coincided with a decline in smoking among 15-year-olds.
• The prevalence of smoking fell to 23% in 1999 from 30% in 1996, the same year mobile phone use skyrocketed among 15- to 17-year-olds
"We hypothesize that the fall in youth smoking and the rise in ownership of mobile phones among adolescents are related," the authors write. They suggest that many teens cannot afford to sustain both habits and prefer the cutting-edge technology over the smoking.
They also note that the device is associated with many of the traits that attract teens to cigarettes:
• a sense of individuality and sociability
• a desire to rebel
• the need to bond with friends
"The marketing of mobile phones is rooted in promoting self-image and identity, which resembles cigarette advertising," the researchers write.

"As ownership increases, mobile phones will become essential for membership of peer groups that organize their social life on the move and by means of mobile phones," they conclude.
British Medical Journal November 4, 2000; 321: 1155

This makes me more sure about my decision to get him a phone. If my kids make it to adulthood without being smokers, I'll pat myself on the back. Neither of my parents smoked and I was smoking at age 13 until I quit at age 27. Let me tell you, quitting sucked really bad and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Better to never get started. I had to smoke to fit in. We walked to school through some woods and all the cool kids were smoking. I figured I'd learn just for those times I was pressured to do it, but not really smoke. So I wouldn't look stupid. Gee, after only one pack of practice, I kind of liked it. I remember trying to quit around age 15 and after lasting 2 days, cracking and so I smoked one out the window at my grandmother's house.

Then in our High School we had a commons area, where everyone smoked between classes. It is hard to believe now that smoking was allowed on campus. You wanted to be out there with everyone smoking. I heard they put the cabash on that wonderful cancer corral (as my Spanish teacher called it) about 20 years ago. Oh well, them was the days.

A Sucker Born Every Minute: Turbo Tax for eBay Sellers

Everyone wants to ride the eBay craze, but TurboTax’s recent attempt is lame, lame, lame.

I do my own taxes using Turbo Tax. I enjoy it and I always did them on my own, even before computers. I would read the directions and look up the trickier things in the booklets and I would fill in the work-sheets by hand. Although I deduct for Business Use of the Home, I am not frightened of doing my own taxes. Depreciation Schmapreciation I always say. I don’t want to pay someone $300 when the software available now does all the math, the worksheets, types it, and interprets the laws for you.

After 5 years of using Turbo Tax, I saw that there was a new product called “Turbo Tax for eBay Sellers”. I went ahead and bought it, thinking maybe it would somehow save me money. I could be overlooking something, or making a mistake.

I’d always put my eBay and PayPal fees under “Fees & Commissions” on my tax return, but I learned it doesn’t belong there. According to the wizard’s at Turbo Tax, it goes under “Other business expenses”. EBay fees are not considered fees. Hmmm. In any case, wherever the direct expenses are listed, the tax owed is the same.

How did Turbo Tax enhance their product to sell it as the eBay edition? All I could see was that they replaced some key words with eBay terms without adding any insight. They replaced the word “Your Business” with “Your eBay business”. EBay sellers use a lot of packing tape; I wish they had used tape in the example explaining COGS instead of crude oil.

This product was thrown together at the last minute, without enough research and input from those who sell on eBay for a living. After completing my return I realized it was $20 more than the edition I had been using! So much for saving me any money! Kudos to whoever thunk this up: you suckered me in good.

May He Sleep with the Fishes

The real Godfather, Bernardo "The Tractor" Provenzano, was finally caught after hiding in Sicily for 43 years. He was born in Corleone, Sicily, which of course is featured in the novel The Godfather and in the film trilogy. Corleone is indeed a real place. In the book, the Godfather was born Vito Andolini but changed his name to Corleone when he left Sicily to go to America, after the mafia killed his father. Mario Puzo certainly researched the birthplace of this real Godfather when writing his book.

How did “The Phantom of Corleone” evade capture all these years? Obviously, government officials, police, and locals were paid not to talk. Also the rest of the citizens feared for their lives so they kept quiet. The Capo di tutti Capi (boss of all bosses), never spoke on the phone, but sent his orders through little type-written notes. Provenzano used a manual Olivetti typewriter that he carried with him everywhere. Olivetti used to be a top world company until Microsoft destroyed them. In hiding since 1963, was he better off without a personal computer and internet access? Although traceable by law enforcement, mobsters could probably murder much more efficiently if they had email.

Another interesting note is that no one knew what he looked like - the last picture taken of him was in 1959. Now for the really hilarious part of this story, is that when the Godfather had prostate surgery in France in 2003, he applied for Italian Medicaid! Why with all the money in his empire, did he go the government to get the operation paid for? This ultimately led to his capture, because DNA taken during the operation proved he was still alive. I say you cannot afford to make mistakes like that!

Trophy Wife Wanted

From this month's issue of the Piedmont Review, in an advice column concerning relationships:

I’m a wealthy international businessman in my mid-forties living in a Dunwoody McMansion. Since I’ve achieved wealth and gained class, culture and education, I cant seem to find the right woman who fits the bill. After moving to the South and lowering my expectations considerably, I still cant seem to find her. I’m interested in a single white woman with no kids or diseases, in her late twenties to mid-thirties only. A woman that would like to travel to the Bahamas, attend black tie functions, meet heads of state and have passionate love for me and life.

He claims to be mid-forties, which means he is at least 47. He is looking for a white childless woman aged 27-33 only. This prize can’t understand why he can't find a girlfriend. I’ll tell you why, buddy: because you’re an arrogant prick who thinks you deserve a woman years younger than you simply because you’re rich. Do you really think when you become impotent in just a few years from now, she is going to be content? Is she supposed to stand idly by when you go all prostrate on the Corian countertops? What if she wants kids? Do you think your worldly sperm doesn't have a clock? You don’t understand why since you’ve “achieved class” you can’t find a 28 year old woman who is as cultured and educated as you are? You were born in 1958 and expect to have something in common with someone born in 1980? And that she will worship you because you can take her to the Bahamas? Do you want to be a Sugar Daddy or have a real relationship? I admire men who aren't afraid to date a woman a few years older. If you look at the dating ads, almost all the men make their cut-off for desired woman 3 years or more younger than they are. You would have more in common with someone 2 years your senior than 10 years younger. I think this is mostly cultural, but it lacks common sense. This particular gentleman has an ego the size of his McMansion, which is going to attract young airheaded golddiggers. Hell, if you're going to date an old man, he'd better be rich.

Excuse me why I take my middle-aged diseased child-bearing ruined body and go throw up.

SATAN Revisited

Okay well he can go to hell. There I feel much better. I told him to get off the phone since he didnt ask permission. Then I gave him permission for a 30 minute phone call. Then a few hours later, another 30 minute phone call. He was staying away from the phone because he knew I was watching him. My vision of a cool, non-emotional, civil conversation was a fantasy. You can't talk to Satan like a normal person. He just glares at me and growls and stomps off.

Today he is getting a lecture: Stop treating me like dirt, you spoiled brat. Act like a human being. You want me to let you use MY phone and drive you to baseball, quit behaving like a rude jackass.

SATAN: Suburban American Teenager's Annoying Nature

Or S.A.T.A.N: Suburban American Teenager Acting Naturally

I was a bad, bad teenager. I did it all and the more I was punished the worse I rebelled. Now as a parent, I have been raising my children differently from how I was raised because the rebellion is still fresh in my mind.

My Theory: if your kids don’t hate you, they won’t have any reason to rebel against you.

Does this mean they are spoiled? Absolutely. Does this mean I have given them everything they have wanted since birth? Yes it does. Are they rotten? No they are not. The teenager is a Star Rank Boy Scout, an A student and on a baseball travel team. He doesn't smoke or take drugs and is respectful of adults. However, his hormones are raging. Ladies, think about PMS or god help us, Menopause, how the hormones make you feel and act crazy. Combine that with the inability to drive, have your own money, or make your own decisions. Add a powerful sex drive with no real outlet. Pimples. And your mother nagging you to make your bed, get your haircut, and your teachers piling on projects. How would you feel?

This week there have been 2 incidences with 14-year-old spoiled son. One I made him get a haircut. He is furious with me. I think it looked really bad, it was longer than any other kid on the baseball team, by far. This was a major battle and he lost. I think his hair looks better, everyone at school is calling him “adorable”! He wants to look cool, not adorable.

The next issue is the telephone. I despise call-waiting and always have. My son gets on the phone after school at 4:30PM and doesn’t hang up until 11PM. No one can get through. Unlike in my day, when the phone was connected by a cord to the wall, he can roam around the house, or down the basement, or in the backyard with this phone. With the phone always busy my options are getting call-waiting, buying him a cell-phone or putting a limit on his phone time.

Last night I went out to buy him Easter and Birthday presents. The other 2 kids were with their dad. I knew they would be dropped off around 9:00 and I wanted to call home to make sure they were getting to bed. After dialing my house for 90 minutes straight to a busy signa, I arrived home at 10:30. The other 2 kids were not in bed. I was furious and I blew a gasket. I told him that there would be no phone today at all. He told me “You are just trying to make my life miserable”.

Now what do I do when he gets home? Do I go with my first instinct and hide all the phones? I think that might make him hate me and want to rebel. In the sense that if I hide the phones he will hate me so much that he will go down the street and smoke a cigarette, just to spite me.

I am going to attempt to keep my cool and have a nice, friendly discussion about the limits required for my phone. 30 minutes every 2 hours is okay with me. I hate to have to pay for call-waiting, which is allowing him to be on the phone for 4 hours at a time. I also thing he should not be allowed to use the phone until his homework is done. One solution is letting him use my cell phone after 9PM when it is free. I am dreading this "talk" but I’ll let you know how it goes.

RIP: Sausage and Pepper Hero

Saturday night Catfish and I decided to go to the Dogwood Festival at Piedmont Park. We walked around, and most of it was closed. However the food stands were still open, I really wanted a burrito at Willy's. but when I walked up to the Greek Food stand, when the man said "Italian?" and started fixing me a sausage and pepper hero.

This brought back vivid memories of my childhood, of going to Italian restaurants in the Bronx with my dad to eat Sausage and Pepper heros as well as Peppers & Eggs, which is also on a roll of Italian bread.

The "sangwich" was a huge sausage, with a mixture of red and green peppers, and onions sauteed on a piece Italian bread. It was absolutely delicious. I ate it slowly. I was in Heaven, on my way to Hell.

We walked all around and up 10th Street, I was feeling great and happy for the exercise. I went to be bed around 1AM, feeling fine. At 6AM I was awakened by gastric regurgitation where the stomach acid is regurgitated into the throat and mouth. This is PAINFUL! Extremely painful. I jumped up with a start, cursing the sausage! I have never experienced such a foul, disgusting, pain. My throat felt like I drank of bottle of Drano. It was burning in my mouth and throat. I was afraid to go back to sleep, in case it would happen again. I had experienced this once before in my life, about 6 months ago, after eating at Captain D's, and that night it happened 4 times.

So at 6AM, exhausted, I went downstairs to watch TV. The Big Ten College Gymnastics meet was on. That was great! I watched that until 7:30. I used to do gymnastics, not at that level, but it brought back a lot of memories of flipping around on balance beam, and falling off during a meet. Then I went to sleep, sitting up there in the chair in the den. I slept until close to 6PM that evening. Still burping.

I am a little worried about why my espophagal valve isn't working properly. There is no cure for G.E.R.D Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease: http://www.gerd.com. I vow never, ever to eat any food from a stand or another Sausage and Pepper hero as long as I live. I vow to make lifestyle changes except it sounds impossible! No wine, no coffee, no soda, no caffiene! but I guess next time I want a soda, I will think about the way I felt at 6AM yesterday.

Challenge Ball

This is of my oldest son playing Challenge Ball with his team The Angels. I'll be posting more photos and information on this league. It is for children with disabilites. They play 7 games and it is the most fun I have all week.

Greg gets up and gets his uniform on and gets his bat bag. He has been playing catcher too, and putting on the gear. Andrew was a buddy at this first game.

Trying to figure out the blog

It seems people are stopping by. Dayum. Okay I'll make it worth your while once I figure out how to publish naked pics.

I now have links to the Carp Blogs on this blog. Some of them are actually worth your time and attention to read.

Li Mortacci Tua

Come on here to read johnny webb. Finally I just put in Li Mortacci Tua, which is an italian curse meaning "may all your relatives die a horrid death" and that let me in.