Trophy Wife Wanted

From this month's issue of the Piedmont Review, in an advice column concerning relationships:

I’m a wealthy international businessman in my mid-forties living in a Dunwoody McMansion. Since I’ve achieved wealth and gained class, culture and education, I cant seem to find the right woman who fits the bill. After moving to the South and lowering my expectations considerably, I still cant seem to find her. I’m interested in a single white woman with no kids or diseases, in her late twenties to mid-thirties only. A woman that would like to travel to the Bahamas, attend black tie functions, meet heads of state and have passionate love for me and life.

He claims to be mid-forties, which means he is at least 47. He is looking for a white childless woman aged 27-33 only. This prize can’t understand why he can't find a girlfriend. I’ll tell you why, buddy: because you’re an arrogant prick who thinks you deserve a woman years younger than you simply because you’re rich. Do you really think when you become impotent in just a few years from now, she is going to be content? Is she supposed to stand idly by when you go all prostrate on the Corian countertops? What if she wants kids? Do you think your worldly sperm doesn't have a clock? You don’t understand why since you’ve “achieved class” you can’t find a 28 year old woman who is as cultured and educated as you are? You were born in 1958 and expect to have something in common with someone born in 1980? And that she will worship you because you can take her to the Bahamas? Do you want to be a Sugar Daddy or have a real relationship? I admire men who aren't afraid to date a woman a few years older. If you look at the dating ads, almost all the men make their cut-off for desired woman 3 years or more younger than they are. You would have more in common with someone 2 years your senior than 10 years younger. I think this is mostly cultural, but it lacks common sense. This particular gentleman has an ego the size of his McMansion, which is going to attract young airheaded golddiggers. Hell, if you're going to date an old man, he'd better be rich.

Excuse me why I take my middle-aged diseased child-bearing ruined body and go throw up.