Alpharetta, Georgia: How Do I Hate Thee?

....Let me count the ways.

Another hour in the car going nowhere fast. I live in a Northern suburb of Atlanta, close to Alpharetta called Suwanee. Although to most in-town dwellers, both places might seem the same, I can assure you they are not. Although there is traffic in Suwanee, it is typical for the area; the traffic in Alpharetta is always bad, the worst I have ever experienced. I don’t understand how anyone can stand living there.

Last week, I had to take my son to batting practice at 7PM. It was on Jones Bridge Rd. in Alpharetta. Even though I have been there 20 times, I mistakenly thought it was on Medlock Bridge Road. Could it be that even though I learned my “bridges” years ago, there is just so many bridge-named streets a brain can handle in a lifetime? I was on Abbotts Bridge when I turned left onto Medlock Bridge and sat in gridlock for about 30 minutes until I came up to State Bridge. That’s when it dawned on me that I must have passed the batting cages. With much difficulty and trying not to yell the “F” word too many times in front of the kids, I made a U-turn at one of Georgia’s most heinous intersections, the corner of State Bridge & Medlock Bridge. Finally I turned and head back to Abbotts Bridge, where I sat another 25 minutes crawling north until I reached Jones Bridge. It is almost as far as Kimball Bridge but not quite. If you followed that I don't know if I should be impressed or pity you. It took me 70 minutes to go 9.76 miles. According to Mapquest, this trip should take 14 minutes.


















State Bridge and Abbotts Bridge are one-lane roads between Medlock Bridge and Jones Bridge. There are thousands of homes and hundreds subdivisions all along these 4 streets, plus a few schools and businesses. This section is also called “Ocee Community”. There is no easy way in or out of that area, yet people keep flocking to live there and real estate prices keep rising. Not only are all of these roads one lane, this area is completely boxed in, with no fast access to any major highways. Since you are very far from I-85, I-75 and I-285, the only way out is Georgia 400, but you have to crawl over another bridge, either the one-lane disaster known as Haynes Bridge or its ass-deadening twin, Kimball Bridge.

This morning, my son had a dental appointment in that same area: I would never have chosen a business in that section, but it is the location of the only orthodontist on my dental insurance plan. I left my house at 7:15AM for an 8AM appointment, 9 miles away. I got there at 8:20AM- 65 minutes! Since my son had the CRCT (a State required standardized test) at 9:30, he could not afford to be late. By arriving so late, we didn’t leave the orthodontist enough time to do the work, so I had to re-schedule. Yeah, we drove all that way for nothing. What a wasted morning, what a waste of time, what a waste of gas! In hindsight I should have left before 7AM. The kid didn’t tell me about the CRCT until late last night, and if I had known sooner I would have cancelled in order not to be so frazzled about getting out of the appointment quickly.




I have no patience at all. I like to be on time. I am one of those people who would rather be early than late. For this reason I like to estimate how long it is going to take for me to get somewhere, and usually I hit the nail on the head. This morning I was way off – I tripled the time to get there when I needed to quadruple it plus add another 10 minutes! Now I have to go through the whole thing again next week, when we have rescheduled the appointment! I guess I’ll be leaving at 6AM for this 9:20 appointment!

I'm an Idiot: Cell Phone Trauma

Here I thought I had free nights and weekends on my T-Mobile cell plan. While down at my parents I handed the teenaged demon my phone at promptly 9PM every night. Last months cell bill is over $100. I just looked at my minutes and I am already over and I shouldn't be anywhere near over.

So I called them- turns out I DON'T HAVE FREE NIGHTS!! Okay the nice folks at T-mobile are going to retroactively change my plan to one with free nights and have it go back 2 months so this stupidity will only cost me an extra $10 per month. Oy.
I am seriously thinking about giving him his own cell phone for his birthday. I am comparing the family plans on all major carriers. T-mobile is by far the cheapest. Having been a customer since 2002, I have not ever had trouble with dropped calls or no signal, so I'll stick with them.

I am going to get him a phone that includes an MP3 player, which will be free with the plan. I am going to get a free camera phone when I change the plan for me. I wish this kid was old enough to get a job. I read this article recently about teens and mobile phones:

A November, 2000 report claims that cigarettes are slowly being replaced by an equally addictive obsession - the mobile phone.

Among some of the reports findings:
• A rise in mobile phone use during the late 1990s coincided with a decline in smoking among 15-year-olds.
• The prevalence of smoking fell to 23% in 1999 from 30% in 1996, the same year mobile phone use skyrocketed among 15- to 17-year-olds
"We hypothesize that the fall in youth smoking and the rise in ownership of mobile phones among adolescents are related," the authors write. They suggest that many teens cannot afford to sustain both habits and prefer the cutting-edge technology over the smoking.
They also note that the device is associated with many of the traits that attract teens to cigarettes:
• a sense of individuality and sociability
• a desire to rebel
• the need to bond with friends
"The marketing of mobile phones is rooted in promoting self-image and identity, which resembles cigarette advertising," the researchers write.

"As ownership increases, mobile phones will become essential for membership of peer groups that organize their social life on the move and by means of mobile phones," they conclude.
British Medical Journal November 4, 2000; 321: 1155

This makes me more sure about my decision to get him a phone. If my kids make it to adulthood without being smokers, I'll pat myself on the back. Neither of my parents smoked and I was smoking at age 13 until I quit at age 27. Let me tell you, quitting sucked really bad and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Better to never get started. I had to smoke to fit in. We walked to school through some woods and all the cool kids were smoking. I figured I'd learn just for those times I was pressured to do it, but not really smoke. So I wouldn't look stupid. Gee, after only one pack of practice, I kind of liked it. I remember trying to quit around age 15 and after lasting 2 days, cracking and so I smoked one out the window at my grandmother's house.

Then in our High School we had a commons area, where everyone smoked between classes. It is hard to believe now that smoking was allowed on campus. You wanted to be out there with everyone smoking. I heard they put the cabash on that wonderful cancer corral (as my Spanish teacher called it) about 20 years ago. Oh well, them was the days.

A Sucker Born Every Minute: Turbo Tax for eBay Sellers

Everyone wants to ride the eBay craze, but TurboTax’s recent attempt is lame, lame, lame.

I do my own taxes using Turbo Tax. I enjoy it and I always did them on my own, even before computers. I would read the directions and look up the trickier things in the booklets and I would fill in the work-sheets by hand. Although I deduct for Business Use of the Home, I am not frightened of doing my own taxes. Depreciation Schmapreciation I always say. I don’t want to pay someone $300 when the software available now does all the math, the worksheets, types it, and interprets the laws for you.

After 5 years of using Turbo Tax, I saw that there was a new product called “Turbo Tax for eBay Sellers”. I went ahead and bought it, thinking maybe it would somehow save me money. I could be overlooking something, or making a mistake.

I’d always put my eBay and PayPal fees under “Fees & Commissions” on my tax return, but I learned it doesn’t belong there. According to the wizard’s at Turbo Tax, it goes under “Other business expenses”. EBay fees are not considered fees. Hmmm. In any case, wherever the direct expenses are listed, the tax owed is the same.

How did Turbo Tax enhance their product to sell it as the eBay edition? All I could see was that they replaced some key words with eBay terms without adding any insight. They replaced the word “Your Business” with “Your eBay business”. EBay sellers use a lot of packing tape; I wish they had used tape in the example explaining COGS instead of crude oil.

This product was thrown together at the last minute, without enough research and input from those who sell on eBay for a living. After completing my return I realized it was $20 more than the edition I had been using! So much for saving me any money! Kudos to whoever thunk this up: you suckered me in good.

May He Sleep with the Fishes

The real Godfather, Bernardo "The Tractor" Provenzano, was finally caught after hiding in Sicily for 43 years. He was born in Corleone, Sicily, which of course is featured in the novel The Godfather and in the film trilogy. Corleone is indeed a real place. In the book, the Godfather was born Vito Andolini but changed his name to Corleone when he left Sicily to go to America, after the mafia killed his father. Mario Puzo certainly researched the birthplace of this real Godfather when writing his book.

How did “The Phantom of Corleone” evade capture all these years? Obviously, government officials, police, and locals were paid not to talk. Also the rest of the citizens feared for their lives so they kept quiet. The Capo di tutti Capi (boss of all bosses), never spoke on the phone, but sent his orders through little type-written notes. Provenzano used a manual Olivetti typewriter that he carried with him everywhere. Olivetti used to be a top world company until Microsoft destroyed them. In hiding since 1963, was he better off without a personal computer and internet access? Although traceable by law enforcement, mobsters could probably murder much more efficiently if they had email.

Another interesting note is that no one knew what he looked like - the last picture taken of him was in 1959. Now for the really hilarious part of this story, is that when the Godfather had prostate surgery in France in 2003, he applied for Italian Medicaid! Why with all the money in his empire, did he go the government to get the operation paid for? This ultimately led to his capture, because DNA taken during the operation proved he was still alive. I say you cannot afford to make mistakes like that!

Trophy Wife Wanted

From this month's issue of the Piedmont Review, in an advice column concerning relationships:

I’m a wealthy international businessman in my mid-forties living in a Dunwoody McMansion. Since I’ve achieved wealth and gained class, culture and education, I cant seem to find the right woman who fits the bill. After moving to the South and lowering my expectations considerably, I still cant seem to find her. I’m interested in a single white woman with no kids or diseases, in her late twenties to mid-thirties only. A woman that would like to travel to the Bahamas, attend black tie functions, meet heads of state and have passionate love for me and life.

He claims to be mid-forties, which means he is at least 47. He is looking for a white childless woman aged 27-33 only. This prize can’t understand why he can't find a girlfriend. I’ll tell you why, buddy: because you’re an arrogant prick who thinks you deserve a woman years younger than you simply because you’re rich. Do you really think when you become impotent in just a few years from now, she is going to be content? Is she supposed to stand idly by when you go all prostrate on the Corian countertops? What if she wants kids? Do you think your worldly sperm doesn't have a clock? You don’t understand why since you’ve “achieved class” you can’t find a 28 year old woman who is as cultured and educated as you are? You were born in 1958 and expect to have something in common with someone born in 1980? And that she will worship you because you can take her to the Bahamas? Do you want to be a Sugar Daddy or have a real relationship? I admire men who aren't afraid to date a woman a few years older. If you look at the dating ads, almost all the men make their cut-off for desired woman 3 years or more younger than they are. You would have more in common with someone 2 years your senior than 10 years younger. I think this is mostly cultural, but it lacks common sense. This particular gentleman has an ego the size of his McMansion, which is going to attract young airheaded golddiggers. Hell, if you're going to date an old man, he'd better be rich.

Excuse me why I take my middle-aged diseased child-bearing ruined body and go throw up.

SATAN Revisited

Okay well he can go to hell. There I feel much better. I told him to get off the phone since he didnt ask permission. Then I gave him permission for a 30 minute phone call. Then a few hours later, another 30 minute phone call. He was staying away from the phone because he knew I was watching him. My vision of a cool, non-emotional, civil conversation was a fantasy. You can't talk to Satan like a normal person. He just glares at me and growls and stomps off.

Today he is getting a lecture: Stop treating me like dirt, you spoiled brat. Act like a human being. You want me to let you use MY phone and drive you to baseball, quit behaving like a rude jackass.

SATAN: Suburban American Teenager's Annoying Nature

Or S.A.T.A.N: Suburban American Teenager Acting Naturally

I was a bad, bad teenager. I did it all and the more I was punished the worse I rebelled. Now as a parent, I have been raising my children differently from how I was raised because the rebellion is still fresh in my mind.

My Theory: if your kids don’t hate you, they won’t have any reason to rebel against you.

Does this mean they are spoiled? Absolutely. Does this mean I have given them everything they have wanted since birth? Yes it does. Are they rotten? No they are not. The teenager is a Star Rank Boy Scout, an A student and on a baseball travel team. He doesn't smoke or take drugs and is respectful of adults. However, his hormones are raging. Ladies, think about PMS or god help us, Menopause, how the hormones make you feel and act crazy. Combine that with the inability to drive, have your own money, or make your own decisions. Add a powerful sex drive with no real outlet. Pimples. And your mother nagging you to make your bed, get your haircut, and your teachers piling on projects. How would you feel?

This week there have been 2 incidences with 14-year-old spoiled son. One I made him get a haircut. He is furious with me. I think it looked really bad, it was longer than any other kid on the baseball team, by far. This was a major battle and he lost. I think his hair looks better, everyone at school is calling him “adorable”! He wants to look cool, not adorable.

The next issue is the telephone. I despise call-waiting and always have. My son gets on the phone after school at 4:30PM and doesn’t hang up until 11PM. No one can get through. Unlike in my day, when the phone was connected by a cord to the wall, he can roam around the house, or down the basement, or in the backyard with this phone. With the phone always busy my options are getting call-waiting, buying him a cell-phone or putting a limit on his phone time.

Last night I went out to buy him Easter and Birthday presents. The other 2 kids were with their dad. I knew they would be dropped off around 9:00 and I wanted to call home to make sure they were getting to bed. After dialing my house for 90 minutes straight to a busy signa, I arrived home at 10:30. The other 2 kids were not in bed. I was furious and I blew a gasket. I told him that there would be no phone today at all. He told me “You are just trying to make my life miserable”.

Now what do I do when he gets home? Do I go with my first instinct and hide all the phones? I think that might make him hate me and want to rebel. In the sense that if I hide the phones he will hate me so much that he will go down the street and smoke a cigarette, just to spite me.

I am going to attempt to keep my cool and have a nice, friendly discussion about the limits required for my phone. 30 minutes every 2 hours is okay with me. I hate to have to pay for call-waiting, which is allowing him to be on the phone for 4 hours at a time. I also thing he should not be allowed to use the phone until his homework is done. One solution is letting him use my cell phone after 9PM when it is free. I am dreading this "talk" but I’ll let you know how it goes.

RIP: Sausage and Pepper Hero

Saturday night Catfish and I decided to go to the Dogwood Festival at Piedmont Park. We walked around, and most of it was closed. However the food stands were still open, I really wanted a burrito at Willy's. but when I walked up to the Greek Food stand, when the man said "Italian?" and started fixing me a sausage and pepper hero.

This brought back vivid memories of my childhood, of going to Italian restaurants in the Bronx with my dad to eat Sausage and Pepper heros as well as Peppers & Eggs, which is also on a roll of Italian bread.

The "sangwich" was a huge sausage, with a mixture of red and green peppers, and onions sauteed on a piece Italian bread. It was absolutely delicious. I ate it slowly. I was in Heaven, on my way to Hell.

We walked all around and up 10th Street, I was feeling great and happy for the exercise. I went to be bed around 1AM, feeling fine. At 6AM I was awakened by gastric regurgitation where the stomach acid is regurgitated into the throat and mouth. This is PAINFUL! Extremely painful. I jumped up with a start, cursing the sausage! I have never experienced such a foul, disgusting, pain. My throat felt like I drank of bottle of Drano. It was burning in my mouth and throat. I was afraid to go back to sleep, in case it would happen again. I had experienced this once before in my life, about 6 months ago, after eating at Captain D's, and that night it happened 4 times.

So at 6AM, exhausted, I went downstairs to watch TV. The Big Ten College Gymnastics meet was on. That was great! I watched that until 7:30. I used to do gymnastics, not at that level, but it brought back a lot of memories of flipping around on balance beam, and falling off during a meet. Then I went to sleep, sitting up there in the chair in the den. I slept until close to 6PM that evening. Still burping.

I am a little worried about why my espophagal valve isn't working properly. There is no cure for G.E.R.D Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease: http://www.gerd.com. I vow never, ever to eat any food from a stand or another Sausage and Pepper hero as long as I live. I vow to make lifestyle changes except it sounds impossible! No wine, no coffee, no soda, no caffiene! but I guess next time I want a soda, I will think about the way I felt at 6AM yesterday.

Challenge Ball

This is of my oldest son playing Challenge Ball with his team The Angels. I'll be posting more photos and information on this league. It is for children with disabilites. They play 7 games and it is the most fun I have all week.

Greg gets up and gets his uniform on and gets his bat bag. He has been playing catcher too, and putting on the gear. Andrew was a buddy at this first game.

Trying to figure out the blog

It seems people are stopping by. Dayum. Okay I'll make it worth your while once I figure out how to publish naked pics.

I now have links to the Carp Blogs on this blog. Some of them are actually worth your time and attention to read.

Li Mortacci Tua

Come on here to read johnny webb. Finally I just put in Li Mortacci Tua, which is an italian curse meaning "may all your relatives die a horrid death" and that let me in.