The Calpurnia Chronicles

This esteemed journal finally has a topic which will appeal to a wide audience: Both the third AND the fourth floors of the State Mental Institution should enjoy this. Actually, my niece asked to be featured in this blog, which is a highly unusual request. Now I’m am not going to say she's a nutcase, but I would like to point out that no one reads this blog and even if they did, it is not a place where one would want to be the topic of an entry, so obviously she can’t be right in the head.

Blog schmog I always say, and so now I’ll happily blog away the hours telling you all about my niece and goddaughter, Calpurnia. Her real name is not Calpurnia, but this being the Internet I cannot reveal her true name. I picked Calpurnia because her real name does start with “Ca” and end in “A” and also because the name Calpurnia has a colorful history in our family. My grandfather called my grandmother Calpurnia. It is the name of Julius Caesar’s third (and thankfully last) wife. My grandfather would call out “Calpurnia, Calpurnia” and my grandmother would quickly appear with a scambilino or a plate of chicken cutlets.

Six months or so after the birth of my 3rd little boy, my sister had a baby girl. After 3 boys of my own, I was so happy to have a girl. When I was asked to be her Godmother, I was thrilled! Finally I had the little girl I always wanted!

Calpurnia is a really wonderful girl. Her little brother, Dante, follows her everywhere and who could blame him? If I lived closer, I would follow her everywhere too. But it does annoy her to no end, and let me tell you I can relate. Her mother, (my sister, Ginandtonica), also used to follow me around when we were kids. She was such a complete pest, I could do nothing to lose her, and believe me I tried. But I guess the lesson to be learned here is that what goes around comes around, it’s the Circle of Life.

Calpurnia, let me offer you some advice, cause honey, I’ve been there. Whenever the brother starts to annoy you, close your eyes and think back to when you were 4 and were jumping up and down on the bed with your cousin Achilles, and sing this softly to yourself: Hakuna Matata, it’s a philosophy, now I’m problem free! If that doesn’t work, put a “kick me” sign on his back.

Calpurnia has made me very proud. Let it be known, to all my faithful readers, that Calpurnia once won a Checkers Tournament! That was a major accomplishment in her young life as it took place at Lake George, NY, a magnet for checker enthusiasts as well as hotbed of International World Class checker activity.

She has also has placed several times in the Science Fair at her school. That’s right, she actually grew plants in her basement IN THE DARK!! She has a lot of talent- she takes after me in so many ways, it's scary. In fact, she has a 97 average at the moment.

She is very artistic and won a competition for her artwork making a Fair Housing poster. Obviously she is very familiar with the topic of Fair Housing because she has to sleep in the top bunk in the same room as her little sister, Aphrodite, very unfair housing if you ask me. "Mini Me" was also awarded the Presidential Award for Academic Excellence upon graduating 5th grade. They tossed out only a handful of these, so of course, Calpurnia will now go on and follow in my footsteps by becoming a sought-after highly acclaimed world scholar.

She is also a former Head of the Clinic of the Clinic of the Clinic, a clandestine cheap child slave trade operation. She was known to rule the clinic with an iron fist, although in her later years, she softened up and allowed her brother human status by promoting him from the lower classes. She was a humane ruler and established a unique heirarchy which was hammered out at an exclusive Code Yellow meeting. Athough the members of the lower classes had less power than all groups, they still had the right to speak their minds- revolutionary indeed!

Although I could write an entire book about this lovely child, I need to pick my toenails, so I will leave the blog open for comments. Don’t fear signing up and getting your own blogspot, which is required for comment-leaving privileges. That is how I got involved in this useless pastime myself. Thank you for reading and Hakuna Matata!
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